"I will go through life without falling in love with anyone."

My body heat had seeped into the smartphone I clutched tightly in my hand. It was in a lavender case, my mother’s favorite color. I stared at the screen until the backs of my eyes ached.

The strings of text became sounds in my ears. I could trace the contours of that person's voice with terrible ease. That voice, echoing only within me, felt as though it were tearing my chest apart from the inside. The summer night was melting my half-eaten ice cream. A pale green liquid trailed down the wooden stick, dripping onto the carpet.

It's dirty. Falling in love with someone, loving someone.

It's so utterly dirty.

I heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. A single teardrop fell from my eyes. Another tiny stain formed on the carpet.

＊＊＊＊

The strong light filtered even through my closed eyelids. Because I had fallen asleep propped up on my elbow, my head swayed dizzily as I woke up. Before I knew it, the blackboard had become completely white with chalk letters. Sitting in the second-to-last seat by the window, I looked out over my classmates during the lesson.

Kids sprawled out asleep on their desks, kids secretly reading manga, kids passing little notes made from torn scraps of notebook paper with their friends. Kids talking loudly amongst themselves, entirely oblivious to the annoyance of those around them.

It was already late April. At the entrance ceremony, everyone was on their best behavior. Even our homeroom teacher had said to us—who were sitting perfectly still and silent—"You're high schoolers now, you can afford to be a bit more energetic."

But as the days passed, though it varied from person to person, everyone began to show their true colors. Some kids repeatedly came in late without a care, while others rolled their skirts up so many times they were short enough to make me nervous just looking at them.

Now, we barely had anything resembling a proper class. Someone was always talking. That was the kind of classroom this was.

"Stop chatting," the teacher scolded a pair of boys who were chattering away. The boys were sitting in the very front row. The front row is brutal, Yotsuji had said once. Our homeroom teacher, Suga-sensei, who was probably approaching sixty, apparently spat when he talked excitedly.

If I tilted my head slightly, I could see the back of Yotsuji's head in that front seat. Black hair that looked soft grey or deep blue depending on the light. A beautifully shaped short haircut that showed the nape of the neck.

Yotsuji is usually goofing off and seems a bit dim, but they keep up appearances well. Deep down, they must be earnest. Ever since middle school, they always turned in assignments properly and rarely slept in class.

I compared the blackboard, white with chalk writing, with my notebook, white from having not a single word written in it. I drew a black cat with a goofy face in the margin of my lonely-looking notebook and felt satisfied. If I had to hand in my notebook before the tests, I could just let Yotsuji let me copy theirs.

When I looked out the window, a dazzlingly blue sky stretched out before me. As I gazed at the blue sky through the scratched glass, the backs of my eyes throbbed with a sharp, stabbing pain, as if someone were digging their nails in and squeezing. Waking up always brought this headache, like it had just remembered to show up. It was a chronic thing, continuing every day, and after visiting several doctors, I learned it was called a tension headache.

It seems it's hard to pinpoint a clear cause for headaches, and mine wasn't something that could be fixed with treatment. Now, I regularly get painkillers from the hospital. I try to take them every day, but I never feel like the pain lessens. The sweet, orange-flavored pills in their silver blister packs are my unreliable little amulets.

They say tension headaches are triggered by an overlap of physical and mental stress. I found this out by looking it up myself. The headaches started around my second year of middle school. Before that, I had never even had a headache. At first, I couldn't even recognize this tightening sensation in the back of my head as pain; I just cried in bed from the sheer agony of it.

Whether I've gotten used to the pain now, or if it's actually lessened, I don't know, but I've become able to live a normal daily life.

With the passing of time, I accepted this pain. I no longer reject it. Without missing a single day, the headache stayed faithfully by my side. On days with bad weather, or days when I didn't feel well, the pain resonated strongly within my innermost parts.

Today, the headache was especially bad. When my headache is severe, I sleep. Because while I sleep, my head stops hurting. I liked the comfort of shallow sleep. In that shallow sleep, I often dream. Short events that feel like eternity, where I can't even clearly grasp the beginning.

In my dreams, I am swaying while holding onto a strap in a crowded train, or walking down the stairs of an old, deserted department store.

I was supposed to have been dreaming until just a moment ago. But I can't remember it anymore.

It didn't seem like any more sleepiness was coming. After rolling a mechanical pencil around with my fingertips for a while, I stood up. For a moment, my head spun from the intense pain. In the short distance it took to walk to the teacher's podium, I felt the stares of my classmates, but I pretended not to notice anything.

"I'm going to the Infirmary," I said in a hushed, quiet voice, and the teacher nodded. I could hear someone talking. Yotsuji was looking at me with anxious eyes, so I gave a small smile. I put my hand on the door and stepped out of the classroom.

The hallway was filled with the lukewarm softness of spring. The murmur of other classes reached me, and thinking that perhaps no class was all that different from another, I walked down the stairs.

A corkboard sign hung on the door of the Infirmary. A pink flower thumbtack was pinned next to the words, "The nurse is currently in the office." When I knocked and entered, I made eye contact with the nurse, who was working at her desk.

Behind red-rimmed glasses, the nurse's eyes narrowed sharply. Strict eyes, completely rejecting anyone who approached. Even though she was young, she carried herself with authority and was always assertive.

"My head hurts."

"I know."

The nurse replied without a moment's delay. With fingers that had prominent knuckles, she lightly readjusted her cream-colored stole. Taking a sip from the coffee cup at hand, she said with a languid expression, "Sit wherever."

"Thank you."

I was already starting to get used to the nurse's blunt attitude.

There are several sofas in the Infirmary. One two-seater sofa, and two slightly expensive-looking single-seater sofas. Because the nurse is the way she is, the office is always empty, and I would usually choose which sofa to sit on depending on my mood, but today, unusually, there was someone else here first.

A girl was sitting on the two-seater sofa. A girl with long hair, so fragile she looked like she might break. When our eyes met, she shrunk her shoulders as if frightened. Her cheeks were a cold-looking white, and her large eyes were wet, as if teardrops were about to spill over.

Why does this girl look like she's about to cry? I couldn't understand it, so I just stared intently at her. As I watched her, a thought seeped into my chest, like chocolate slowly melting on my tongue: She's cute.

Hugging the navy-blue school bag she had placed on the sofa, the girl murmured in a frail voice, "I'm going home," and hurried out of the Infirmary. After the footsteps of the girl, who had carefully closed the door, faded away, I pressed a hand to my aching lower head.

"Did she leave just now... because of me?"

"Probably."

The nurse was staring at her computer screen. She didn't seem to care at all about the girl who had suddenly left. I wondered if that was okay, but come to think of it, the nurse was like this with everyone. In this room, what the nurse considered normal became everything to us. If the nurse said black, then even if it was white, it was black.

I sat down on the two-seater sofa where the girl had been sitting. The sofa was still faintly warm. The girl's lingering scent drifted in the air. It was a sweet, soapy scent. Do cute girls naturally just emit good smells from their bodies? Maybe even the blood flowing through her veins tastes like vanilla. I imagined such a thing, then thought, No, that can't be, immersing myself in a solitary sense of amusement.

"She smelled nice."

"Pervert."

The nurse insulted me without changing her expression. Pervert. I rolled the word she had spoken over my tongue. Normally, a word with such a sticky, unpleasant ring to it, but when the nurse used it, it didn't feel that way at all.

A radio playing at low volume sounded in the Infirmary. With both hands resting on the sofa, I spotted an earring lying at my feet. I picked it up and placed it on my palm. The tiny crystal earring sparkled on my hand.

Earrings were definitely banned at this school. It might be something that girl dropped earlier. Without a word, I slipped the earring into the pocket of the hoodie I was wearing. It would be a shame for that girl if the nurse found it and it caused a bunch of trouble. The next time I saw her, I would quietly give it back.

"That girl from before, she's in your class."

Giving a noncommittal "Huh" in response to the nurse, I pressed the tip of the earring against the pad of my finger inside my pocket. The faint, pricking pain was interesting.

"Is that so? I've never seen her."

"She's doing Infirmary attendance. She's never shown her face in class even once."

"Infirmary attendance..."

The phrase had a strange ring to it. Having an assigned class and a designated classroom, yet commuting only to the Infirmary. When I was in middle school, there was a kid who did that too.

"She's prone to getting sick and bad with crowds. With permission from the school, just coming to the Infirmary counts as her attending school. Although, she often goes home in the afternoons."

She doesn't want her commuting time to overlap with the other students, the nurse added.

"So that's why she was so frightened. It's not that she hated me. That's good."

"Hate or not, she probably saw you for the first time today, didn't she?"

I took my hand out of my pocket. An unknown song, mixed with static, drifted from a pink CD player on the nurse's desk.

"I suppose so. Today was my first time seeing her, too."

I had been to the Infirmary several times before, but she hadn't been here then.

"If she finds out you're in her class, she might get even more spooked."

The nurse lifted one corner of her mouth, flashing a teasing smile.

I thought it was questionable for a teacher to call a student "you" so informally. I thought it, but I didn't say it out loud.

Even when I met her for the first time, the nurse showed me this same mean smile. Just after I had entered the school, there were physical examinations. We measured our height and weight in the Infirmary.

The high school Infirmary felt brighter than the one in middle school. Sunlight poured in from the large windows, and the yellowish wooden floor shone like honey in the sun. The middle school Infirmary had been dim, its linoleum floors looking like a hospital.

The peculiar disinfectant-like smell of an Infirmary might be the same everywhere, though. Our class was the last for the physical exams. After finishing the measurements, Yotsuji, wearing a baggy PE uniform, said in their usual joking tone to the nurse—who was lazily sorting the cards with our height and weight on them—"This one gets headaches a lot, so they might be in your care."

The nurse gave a half-hearted "Huh" and pulled up the right side of her lip. Then, she went back to organizing the cards. I thought she didn't seem like a typical school nurse.

With her strong-willed eyes and full, thick lips, her reputation among the students was incredibly bad.

She never warmly welcomed students who visited the Infirmary. She didn't even hand them a thermometer. The students would first be confused by that. Glaring with wolf-like eyes at the student standing frozen on the spot, she would say, "Shouldn't you at least take your temperature?" She would mercilessly declare to the student sitting on the sofa taking their temperature: if you have a fever, hurry up and go home; if you don't, go back to class. That was why there were never any students in the Infirmary. The three beds lined up at equal intervals were always empty.

I had overheard girls talking before, saying, I hate that nurse, I don't want to go to the Infirmary. Though even if she knew they were saying such things, the nurse probably wouldn't care at all.

"That girl is definitely the one who sits behind me. Her seat is always empty, and I've never seen her come to school. I forgot her name, though."

A chair no one sat in. An empty desk drawer. A desk scarred by box cutters. I sometimes wondered what kind of kid was originally supposed to sit in that seat at the edge of the classroom.

It was her. That seat was her seat.

"Midorikawa Hotaru."

I stared at the nurse's wolf-like eyes as she focused on her computer screen. Unclouded dark eyes. Eyelids drawing sharp lines. Her fingers were dancing over the keyboard. A light, pitter-patter sound echoed.

"Hotaru..."

There was no mistake, it was her. Her name had been clearly listed on the class roster, too. Midorikawa Hotaru. The girl who had yet to come to the classroom even once. The sweet soapy scent that had been fading suddenly revived at the tip of my nose.

"You come here all the time, so your encounter rate might be high. If you see her here again, talk to her and give her a scare."

The nurse laughed mischievously. As she stood up and rinsed her mug with tap water, the bell rang.

"Hurry up and get back," the nurse said.

＊＊＊＊

During lunch break the next day, I headed to the Infirmary. The crystal earring hidden in my hoodie pocket.

In the room, the nurse was eating her lunch. Hotaru was sitting on the single-seater sofa, reading a book. When Hotaru saw me, she looked startled and hid her face behind a paperback wrapped in a floral book cover. Looking down, she blinked so rapidly and heavily it looked like it might actually make a sound. It happened just as I was about to speak to her.

"I'm going home."

Saying so, Hotaru hurriedly slung her bag over her shoulder and left the Infirmary. With my lips slightly parted, I watched the girl's retreating figure. Her hair, reaching down past her shoulders, was glossy, catching white lines of light.

"Yeah, yeah. See ya," the nurse waved dismissively.

"She didn't need to be that surprised."

Somehow, this made me look like the bad guy. I wasn't trying to scare her or anything, but that girl gets so startled whenever she sees me.

"Hotaru is just a scaredy-cat."

The nurse popped a beautifully shaped rolled omelet into her mouth.

"Do I look that scary?"

"No, not at all. You always have a spaced-out look on your face, like you have no motivation."

"Do I?"

Unaware of this myself, I tilted my head. The nurse is always in a good mood when she's eating lunch. "That face, exactly that face," she laughed merrily, pointing her chopsticks at me. Despite being an adult, she has terrible manners.

"So, what brings you here today?"

The nurse asked, picking up a bag of individually wrapped candy cheese.

"I came because I had business with that girl. But since she went home, I'll just come back again."

Either way, I couldn't hand over the earring in front of the nurse, so it couldn't be helped that I wasn't able to give it to her today.

"Business with Hotaru? Well, whatever. Want some cheese? I packed it in my bento for some reason, but I lost the mood to eat it."

"I'll have some."

I received the candy cheese from the nurse and returned to the classroom. The classroom during lunch break was lively and noisy. Yotsuji, who had been messing around with their phone in the very front seat, raised a hand toward me and said, "Welcome back." Yotsuji hadn't touched their lunch yet.

"I'm back."

Holding the bread I bought for lunch, I borrowed the chair next to Yotsuji's desk and sat facing them.

"What were you doing at the Infirmary?"

Yotsuji asked while opening their bento box. The contents of Yotsuji's bento, which their mother apparently makes, always look like they took a lot of effort—like a lunch packed for an elementary schooler's field trip. The homemade side dishes are separated by red and yellow checkered cups, and the bite-sized sasa kamaboko fish cakes have little flag picks stuck into them.

I think it's nice to have a mother make a bento for you every morning. In my family, I get 500 yen every day to buy whatever food I want. I'm told I don't have to return the change, so I'm glad the leftover money becomes my pocket money, but eating sweet pastries every single day gets tiring, even if I choose different kinds.

Piercing the straw into my paper carton of coffee milk, I answered, "I went to see a girl."

"A girl?"

Yotsuji peered into my face with deep interest. Yotsuji parts their long bangs softly down the middle. I placed my hand flat against Yotsuji's completely exposed forehead. Yotsuji reflexively squeezed their eyes shut, then laughed happily.

"Do you know a girl named Midorikawa Hotaru?"

"Oh, the girl who never comes to school, right?"

"Apparently, she commutes to the Infirmary, so it's not that she isn't coming to school at all."

While eating a rice ball, Yotsuji stroked their chin like some kind of VIP and went, "Hmm." Every single one of Yotsuji's movements is theatrical and exaggerated.

"Infirmary attendance, huh."

"Yeah."

"Going to that teacher every single day sounds rough."

Yotsuji made a face as if they had just bitten into a bitter fruit. Yotsuji had also spoken with the nurse a few times and described her as someone with a very intense personality. But I think the nurse actually likes Yotsuji quite a bit.

Yotsuji's special skill is magic tricks. Most of them are small-scale illusions that can be done on a desk, but ranging from basic tricks everyone knows to difficult ones where the secret is impossible to spot, Yotsuji would show me every time they learned a new one.

Once, Yotsuji showed a magic trick to the nurse. When we were talking with her, the topic of Yotsuji came up, and for the deeply curious nurse who said, "You can do magic? I want to see," Yotsuji ended up performing for her on a later day.

What Yotsuji showed the nurse was a card trick—a very classic one where you guess the card the other person picked. I knew the trick behind it, so I wasn't that surprised, but the nurse got incredibly excited. "Don't tell me they all have the same pattern or something?" she asked, observing Yotsuji's hands with suspicious eyes.

"Well, I wonder," Yotsuji replied with a fearless smile, and proceeded to show her other tricks. The nurse cheered and clapped her hands in a way you could never imagine from her usual self, making Yotsuji perform trick after trick until an exhausted Yotsuji finally declared, "Any further performances will require an extra fee."

Even now, the nurse frequently mutters to herself, "I want to see that kid's magic tricks." When I pass that on to Yotsuji, they reply with a wry smile, "Give me a break." If Yotsuji spots the nurse from behind in the hallway, they sneakily hide behind me. The troubled expression Yotsuji makes—usually so frivolous and always joking around—is cute, and it always makes me laugh without meaning to.

"I wouldn't want to be with that teacher every day either..."

Somehow it sounded exhausting; just imagining it made me feel drained.

I put my mouth to the straw. The coffee milk was lukewarm and cloyingly sweet.

"She's amazing. Hotaru-chan, I mean."

Yotsuji said in an impressed tone.

"For sure."

I cast my eyes toward Hotaru's seat. The desk and chair that no one ever used sat there all alone, as if their existence had been entirely forgotten by the class. The sunlight illuminated the surface of the desk, making it look almost transparent.

The next day, after the first period ended, I went to the Infirmary again. Looking at the corkboard hanging on the door, a flower-shaped thumbtack was pinned next to the words, The nurse is out.

I placed my hand on the door. It was unlocked. Right after entering the room, I found Hotaru with her textbooks and notebooks spread out on the nurse's desk.

When Hotaru's eyes met mine, she froze in place as if she had stopped breathing, her mechanical pencil clutched tightly in her hand. When I took a step forward, Hotaru jumped with an exaggerated flinch of her shoulders. As she stood up and tried to run away, I called out, "Wait." This time, I had to properly return this earring to her.

"You dropped your earring the other day. I wanted to give it to you."

When I held the earring out on my palm toward Hotaru, she approached me little by little, trembling like a highly cautious small animal. Hotaru pinched the earring with her fingertips, stared at it with a face that looked like she was about to cry, and cupped it in both hands. Then, a tiny trace of relief appeared on her stiff expression.

"Thank you," Hotaru said in a tiny, whispering voice. It was a smooth voice, sweet as sugar.

"Are your ears pierced?" I asked, and for a moment Hotaru looked as if she were hesitating about something, then gave a small nod.

"They are."

Hotaru tucked her long hair behind her ear. Her exposed white ear was adorned with many piercings. I was surprised by how many there were. I tried to count them one by one, but since it didn't look like something I could do quickly, I stopped.

On her earlobe were small aurora-colored studs and a pearl earring that smoothly reflected the light. A flower-shaped piercing was inserted into the cartilage, and at the very top of her ear were two pointed, triangular piercings. It looked like a cat's ear.

"That's amazing."

I always had a somewhat scary image of people with lots of piercings, but Hotaru's ear was stylish and lovely. As I gazed in fascination at her ear, Hotaru's cheeks flushed bright red.

I thought Hotaru looked like a candy apple. Red and transparent, with a sweet scent.

"Here, too."

Saying so, Hotaru showed me her left ear as well. There were many piercings on her left ear, too.

"Did you pierce them yourself?"

"Yeah," Hotaru answered, her eyes growing moist. She looked down bashfully, carefully clutching the earring she had received from me.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

Never having pierced my ears, I didn't even know how one went about making a piercing hole. Even if it was just an earlobe, she was making holes in her body, so there was no way it wouldn't hurt. Just imagining it made my own earlobes feel restless.

"It hurts, but that's what I like about it," Hotaru murmured in a fading voice and closed her eyes. Her melancholy eyelashes cast gray shadows.

It should be better not to have any pain.

Looking at Hotaru, who sought out pain of her own volition, I felt like I had caught a glimpse of a faint, dark shadow.

"You like it to hurt. That's weird."

"Yeah. I suppose you might be right."

At that moment, I saw Hotaru's smile for the first time. Hotaru touched her ear, dotted with multiple piercings, and smiled softly. At that moment, I thought I never wanted to forget this girl's smile.

"Your earrings are cute. Do you have a lot of other ones?"

"Yeah. I have a lot." I change them out depending on my mood that day, Hotaru said.

"Huh."

When I touched Hotaru's ear, Hotaru let out a little "Eep!" and turned red all the way to her ears. Startled, I pulled my hand away from Hotaru's ear. The smooth feel of Hotaru's earlobe and the hard sensation of the piercings still lingered on my fingertips.

"Sorry."

I apologized to Hotaru, who had squeezed her eyes shut tightly. I hadn't expected her to be that surprised, either. Hotaru nodded repeatedly and let out a trembling breath.

"Sorry. I just got a little surprised."

Hotaru put a hand to her chest, making a troubled, embarrassed face. Hotaru sat down on the two-seater sofa and took a pouch out of the bag resting on the sofa. Inside the pouch were numerous small, chunky earrings. Hotaru took them out and showed me, "I have this many."

"This one is cute."

I pointed to a plump, strawberry-shaped earring. It was a small earring, painted with tiny white seeds.

"This is a handmade earring."

I picked up the earring and examined it. Looking closely, I could see tiny bubbles formed on the surface, and the base part was slightly warped.

"Did you make it yourself?"

"No. There's a website that sells handmade accessories, and I bought it there."

"I see. This is probably clear resin. You just have to glue the base onto it, so it wouldn't be that hard to make."

When I returned the earring to the palm of Hotaru's hand, Hotaru looked up at me with sparkling eyes.

"That's amazing. You even know how they're made."

"Yeah. Because I like making accessories."

Taking naps, and simple handicrafts. My hobbies weren't amazing enough to brag about to anyone. Even making accessories costs money for the parts, so it's not like I can just make as many as I want. I decide what I want to make, think of a design, and then gather the materials.

Necklaces, and chokers. Bracelets and anklets. Lately, I had even been making simple rings. Since my own ears weren't pierced, I had never made earrings, but from the looks of it, as long as I gathered the materials, they would be easy to make.

"I'm jealous that you can make accessories," Hotaru said while poking the strawberry earring with her fingertip.

"It's not that hard. It's just attaching metal hardware and stuff."

"Really?"

Hotaru stared at me with eyes like glass marbles. My gaze was drawn into those eyes, and for a short while, I froze in silence.

"Yeah. Next time, I'll make you an earring."

I thought it would make me happy if this girl wore an earring I made. I wanted to make her something exceptionally cute. I wanted Hotaru to show me her very best smile while wearing that earring.

When I smiled, Hotaru smiled too. It was a slightly bashful smile.

"Thank you."

"Yeah."

The chime echoed through the school building. Looking at the clock, it was the starting time for the second period. Rushed by the chime, I gave a brief, "See ya," and left the Infirmary. As I was closing the door, I felt like I heard Hotaru's tiny voice say, "See ya." I was so happy that I swayed down the hallway, enveloped in the pre-class silence, my cheeks relaxed in a good mood.




After class ended and we did a moderate job of cleaning the classroom, Yotsuji and I stopped by a craft store on the way home. The store, packed tightly with accessory parts, was fun just to walk through.

"What are you making next?" Yotsuji asked, flipping through a small booklet placed in the store.

"I'm thinking of making earrings."

From among countless parts, I chose metal fittings that matched the design I had in mind. Since Hotaru had a lot of small, stud-like designs, I wanted to see her wearing earrings that would sway and flutter in the wind.

"Earrings, huh. Ibuki, your ears aren't pierced, right?"

"Yeah. These are a present."

Yotsuji dropped their gaze to my hands.

"For who?"

I was about to answer, "For Hotaru," but remembering that piercings were against school rules, I closed my mouth.

"It's a secret."

When I put my index finger to my lips, Yotsuji grabbed my shoulders and shook me, laughing, "Scandalous! Suspicious!"

"Not scandalous. Not suspicious."

When I smacked my hand flat against Yotsuji's forehead, they quieted down. Yotsuji's forehead is perfectly smooth. When I stroke it, Yotsuji narrows their eyes like a puppy.

"Hope you make something cute."

Yotsuji gave a soft, floppy smile. Around the ankle of Yotsuji, who was wearing high socks, there was a thin, raised line. Yotsuji still carefully wore the anklet I had given them a long time ago. A thin silver chain with a four-leaf clover charm, the anklet suited Yotsuji's slender, pretty ankles perfectly. Every time I saw that slight bulge at Yotsuji's ankle, my heart lightly bounced.

"I hope they like it."

"They'll definitely like it," Yotsuji gave a firm thumbs-up. I gave a thumbs-up too, and we playfully pressed our thumbs against each other's. I like the time I spend messing around with Yotsuji. I can forget bad things and just be filled with a sense of fun.

After getting all the materials, I parted ways with Yotsuji. Since Yotsuji's house is in a different direction, we can only walk part of the way home together. I walked through the evening town, where purple clouds drifted across a pale pink sky. A damp breeze swayed my bangs as if stroking them.

After dinner, I worked on the earrings at the dining table at home. When my mother, who had come to brew some warm rooibos tea, asked, "What are you making?", I stopped my hands and looked up.

"Earrings. For a friend."

"Oh, nice. Make some for me, too."

My mother said in a wheedling voice, like a young girl. Big, double-lidded eyes. A straight, clean nose, and a thin, cherry-blossom-pink upper lip. Her mascara was carefully applied without clumps, and her skin—which she touched up with foundation every few hours even when at home—lacked translucency, looking like a painted fabrication.

"Think about what kind you want."

"Thank you!"

My mother clapped her hands together with a delighted smile, then returned to the living room. She poured tea into her mug and sat on the sofa. Picking up her smartphone in its lavender cover, she expressionlessly slid her finger across the screen. Sitting in the brand-new dining chair, I watched this entire sequence of events.

My mother's gaze drifted over the screen. She didn't look at the TV she'd left on, and she didn't listen to the electronic melody announcing that the bath was ready.

Was she messaging that person again? Even though I was right here. Even though I was right here, intently staring at her rounded fingertips and her large, dark eyes. Was she completely oblivious to that, clinging to that person, begging them not to leave her alone?

The back of my throat tightened, and it was hard to breathe.

"I want some tea, too."

My voice was hard and trembled slightly. And yet, my mother didn't answer right away; after a brief pause, all she said was, "Yeah. Go ahead." In that colorless tone, I clearly recognized my own loneliness. She didn't even bother to look up.

I grabbed my mug from the cupboard and poured rooibos tea from the teapot. Black tea leaves like sand sank to the bottom of the cup. I snuck a quiet glance at my mother's smartphone screen. It displayed a white, maxi-length dress. A contradictory emotion—as if I were relieved from the bottom of my heart, yet somehow disappointed—settled in my chest.

I took a sip of the rooibos tea. I didn't even know what I was hoping for. The sensation of being slowly strangled in a dark sea completely overwhelmed the voiceless me.

I wished my dad would come home soon. My third dad, who smelled sharply of cigarettes.

I went to give Hotaru the earrings I'd finished last night. It was the break between the first and second periods. Seeing me enter the room without even remembering to knock, the nurse, who was straightening the sheets on one of the rarely used beds, said in a half-exasperated voice, "Oh, you again."

"Good morning, Hotaru."

When I spoke to Hotaru, who was sitting on the sofa reading a book, she looked a little surprised. But then she smiled faintly and gave a small nod.

"Good morning."

Hotaru returned my greeting in her smooth voice. Her ears, dotted with piercing holes, were hidden by her long, lightly-pigmented hair. I lightly tugged on the hem of Hotaru's uniform and whispered in her ear, "Come here for a second." Though looking puzzled, Hotaru stood up and followed me.

The nurse glanced at us but didn't say anything. Once outside the Infirmary, I pulled the handmade earrings, packaged in a clear bag tied with a lemon-yellow ribbon, out of my pocket.

"I tried making these yesterday."

Accepting the bag, Hotaru let out a soft "Wow."

"They're beautiful. Ibuki-chan, you're amazing."

"I thought they might look good on you."

What I gifted Hotaru were hook-style earrings connected to a delicate chain, finishing with a teardrop-shaped pearl. When I saw the parts at the store, I fell in love with them at first sight, thinking they looked like mermaid tears. To me, Hotaru—spending her time flowing by in an Infirmary where no one ever comes—seemed like a mermaid on a dark sandy beach, waiting forever for someone.

"I'm so happy. Thank you."

Cupping the earrings preciously in both hands, Hotaru showed me a smile of pure, heartfelt joy. Every time her pale lips and sugar-sweet voice called my name, I felt the stifling feeling that had lingered since last night slowly melting away.

"Yeah. I want to see you wearing them next time."

"I will. I'll wear them a lot and take good care of them."

Hotaru nodded deeply. I looked into her glass-marble eyes for a while. They were perfectly clear and beautiful. For some reason, I felt like hers were the only eyes I could look into forever.

When the murmurs of students from another class heading to the gym in their school-designated blue tracksuits reached us, Hotaru's face instantly grew tense, and she looked down.

"Well, I'm going back to class."

"Okay. Got it."

"Bye-bye."

"Yeah. See you."

When I gave a light wave, Hotaru shyly swayed her slender fingers to wave back. I took a deep breath. It was much easier to breathe now than before I came here.





I wanted to talk with Hotaru more. Just the brief breaks between classes weren't enough time for that, so I started skipping class frequently to head to the Infirmary. The nurse told me to make sure I properly kept track of how many times I skipped, so I wouldn't fall short on my attendance days.

Hotaru and I had idle conversations in the Infirmary. Hotaru had many things she liked. I learned that she was a girl who had her own distinct world. Being able to know Hotaru's world made me incredibly happy and glad. Next to me, Hotaru smiled and laughed a lot. She would put a finger to her lips and giggle softly, as if trying to hide it. Listening to that secret laugh, like the wind swaying flowers and grass, made my chest feel ticklish and my fingertips restless.

That day, too, I headed to the Infirmary to see Hotaru. Sitting next to her, I returned the book I'd borrowed.

"It was interesting. I cried a little near the end."

Hotaru had chosen and recommended a short story collection so that even I, who doesn't usually read, could enjoy it. Putting the returned book into her bag, Hotaru smiled and said, "I cried at the last story, too."

"You know a lot of things, Hotaru. Books, music, and you're good at studying, too."

Hotaru knew so many things I didn't. I wanted her to teach me more and more. I wanted to know about Hotaru. I wanted to see the world Hotaru was seeing.

"It might be because I've had a lot of time all alone."

"Huh?" When I tilted my head, Hotaru shook hers and said, "It's nothing." With eyes the dark hue of a starless night sky, she looked down at her feet, which were slipped into red sandals. I thought about Hotaru's words. Thinking about it made me sad, and I looked down, too. As far as I knew, Hotaru was always alone.

It got noisy outside the window, so I looked up. The kids from my class were heading to the athletic field in their tracksuits. Hotaru glanced toward the window for just a second, then looked down with a frightened face. Covering her face up to her nose with both hands as if to hide, Hotaru looked to be in pain. I made eye contact with the nurse, who was busy stamping paperwork.

"Let's hide."

I pulled on the sleeve of Hotaru's uniform and stood up. I drew the partition curtain around the bed, and we held our breath in the shadows it created. Hotaru's small face was right next to mine. Her faint breaths reached my ears.

I wonder if this girl might break if I were to touch her directly. I thought this while tightly gripping the sleeve of Hotaru's uniform. She was like transparent glasswork. I had touched her earlobe just a little bit that one time.

Hotaru's sweet scent grew stronger. My heart pounded thump, thump, and my head felt like it was fogging over. Her small nose, her soft-looking lips, her milk-colored profile—to me, everything looked as if it were made of overlapping, delicate lines.

"Come to think of it, I had PE today. I forgot. I might not have gone lately."

"Ibuki-chan."

Hotaru's voice was strained. I let go of her.

"What's wrong?"

"It's my fault you haven't been going to PE, isn't it? Because you're so kind, Ibuki-chan, you always come here to spend time with me."

The corners of Hotaru's eyes grew tense, and she gripped her uniform skirt so tightly it was about to wrinkle. A word like kind doesn't suit me. Hotaru, who could voice such a word, is the kinder girl.

"It's not your fault, Hotaru. I just come because I want to see you. Plus, part of it is just that classes are a pain."

The people in my class are loud, and I can't deal with them. It's quiet here, and more than anything, Hotaru is here. That's why I come here. It's not like Hotaru is doing anything bad.

Even after the voices of my classmates faded away, Hotaru didn't move from that spot.

"Um, you know, Ibuki-chan."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Do you want to meet here after school? I'll wait here until your classes are over."

After declaring this, Hotaru let out a long breath, as if expelling a poison that had accumulated in her body.

"Are you sure you're okay with that, Hotaru?"

If I recalled correctly, Hotaru didn't want her commute time to overlap with the other students, so she was supposed to go home in the afternoon.

"I'm okay."

It was a firm, unwavering voice. Hotaru wore an expression of strong determination. I was happy. Happy that I was allowed to be by Hotaru's side. Happy that Hotaru was going to wait for me.

"I see. Let's do that, then. Thanks, Hotaru."

"Yeah. Thank you, too."

Hotaru softened her expression as if relieved. Watching Hotaru like that, my own feelings softened, and a warm laugh bubbled up. Seeing me laughing on my own, Hotaru made a puzzled face.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know, you're just funny, Hotaru, and it made me laugh."

"Eh, why?"

I pulled the curtain back. The familiar bright scenery enveloped us again. The fine dust floating in the air sparkled like stardust. Seeing us like that, the nurse let out a sigh.

Hotaru made a face that was a mix of confusion and embarrassment. Her cheeks quickly turned red. I thought Hotaru was like a painter's palette. It was beautiful how so many colors sat on her pure white skin. The color of when she was happy, the color of when she was sad—she held so many colors; she was colorful.

"Your face is bright red, Hotaru."

When I pointed it out, Hotaru hid her face with both hands. Her long hair slid smoothly down her shoulders.

"Jeez, stop it."

"You're such a shy girl, Hotaru."

"No, I'm not."

Hotaru looked at me, puffing out her cheeks. I wanted to poke Hotaru's puffed-out red cheeks with my fingertip, but I held myself back. We sat on the sofa again and talked together. A little before the class ended, we exchanged see you's and parted ways.

＊＊＊＊

The days of commuting to the Infirmary after school continued. We kept our own mugs in the Infirmary and brewed fruit-flavored black tea to drink. Hotaru liked muscat-flavored tea. Hotaru's bag was always full of snacks, and she and I would constantly nibble on them.

My mom buys a lot of snacks, but I can't finish them all by myself, Hotaru would say. All the snacks Hotaru brought were delicious.

"The long-distance walking tournament is coming up."

On a cloudy day in mid-June, I was in the Infirmary after school, as usual.

"The long-distance walking tournament sounds tough."

Hotaru, sensitive to hot food and drinks, was waiting for her tea to cool down. Today, she had chosen strawberry tea.

"Yeah. The distance is long. But I don't plan on running, so I'll just take it easy."

At this school, a long-distance walking tournament is held at the end of June. We head toward the goal along a set course, running or walking at our own pace. Apparently, the top three finishers for boys and girls get awards, but the people in my class aren't that fired up about it. Since it burns up a whole day of classes, I think they mostly just consider it a lucky break.

Lately, in PE class, we've been made to run laps around the school as practice for the tournament, but since I just stroll along sluggishly, I'm always last.

"You might get tired if you try too hard."

Hotaru smiled pleasantly and swayed her body while humming. Compared to when we first met, Hotaru now showed me a much more relaxed expression. I listened to Hotaru's humming while munching on a cookie. Her singing voice rolled lightly, like hard candy.

"Hey, Hotaru."

"Yeah. What's up?"

Hotaru stopped humming and turned her face toward me. I slightly regretted speaking up, thinking I would have liked to listen to her humming a little longer.

"If you'd like, do you want to participate in the long-distance walking tournament together? You don't have to push yourself."

Hotaru, with her lips parted ever so slightly, repeatedly blinked short blinks. Silence fell between us. Outside the window, a small bird was flying low, gliding as it let out a whistling chirp. The sound of the clock's second hand ticking away echoed. "You see," I continued.

"You see, I already got permission from the teacher. I thought we could wait a bit after everyone else starts, and then leave. That way, there wouldn't be many other students around, and I figured that might be okay."

The tedious long-distance walking tournament would surely be fun if Hotaru were there—I had a feeling about that.

Hotaru floated a bright smile, as warm as a patch of sunlight on a spring day.

"I'll do it. The long-distance walking tournament. I want to do it with you, Ibuki-chan."

"Mhm, then let's do it together."

Trying to hide the joy welling up from the bottom of my body, I nodded with a nonchalant face. Unintentionally, my toes lifted lightly off the ground.

I felt as though the nurse, who had been listening to our exchange while typing on her keyboard, laughed just a little. Her usual mean smile, with only the right corner of her mouth pulled up.

"I'm nervous, but looking forward to it."

Hotaru said, pulling a mug with stars drawn on it close to her chest. The tea inside was probably cool enough for her to drink now. Hotaru made a face like a little girl on the day before a trip to an amusement park, and I found that amusing.

On the day of the long-distance walking tournament, the weather outside was perfectly clear, and a pristine blue sky stretched on endlessly. It was decided that students would meet at the starting site, but the nurse gave us a special ride to the start in her car. It was a cute car, like a glossy cherry tomato.

Hotaru was fidgeting as she watched the scenery flowing outside the window. When I said, "Calm down," Hotaru bashfully nodded, "Okay."

The nurse dropped us off at our destination and said, "I technically have a job to do, too," heading off toward a water station along the course. By the time we arrived at the starting point, the other kids had already left. Even looking far ahead, not a single back of a high schooler could be seen.

There was no real starting line; Hotaru and I just started walking breezily. The gentle light of a weekday morning poured down on the town. A mild breeze was blowing, and I couldn't really feel like we were participating in a long-distance walking tournament. I felt like a stray cat taking a stroll through the town.

"The course is different for boys and girls, right? It seems the girls' distance is a bit shorter."

Hotaru unfolded the map that had been distributed to all the students. A thick black line traced the designated course.

"The teacher said not to be too late. Well, let's take our time."

"Yeah, that's right. I don't have much stamina."

Hotaru said this while readjusting her small backpack. It was true, Hotaru didn't look like she had much stamina. Her slender frame seemed to float inside her tracksuit. She hadn't tied up her long hair. If she tied her hair up, her ears would show. Through the gaps in Hotaru's hair fluttering in the wind, a teardrop pearl peeked through. A tiny, tiny mermaid's tear.

"You're wearing them."

"Wearing what?"

Hotaru tilted her head slightly. Today, Hotaru's eyes were glowing brightly, and faint dark circles floated under her eyes. It seemed she had been really looking forward to today. Watching Hotaru like that gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling. How soothing, I thought.

"You're wearing the earrings. Thanks."

When I pinched my own earlobe, Hotaru pinched hers, too.

"They're my treasure. I wear them every day."

Saying so, Hotaru smiled secretively. Hotaru's earrings were a secret just between us.

"I want to try making new earrings. What kind of earrings would you like, Hotaru?"

Having someone wear the accessories I made was a very happy thing. The white of the pearl blended beautifully with the color of Hotaru's skin.

"If it's something you make, Ibuki-chan, I'd be happy with anything."

"That's the most troublesome kind of answer. It makes me want to make something incredibly weird."

"What kind of weird thing?"

Hotaru laughed happily, her shoulders shaking. Our laughter overlapped on the dry, sun-baked asphalt.

"I bet lots of different things would suit you, Hotaru. Pretty things, and cute things."

"You think so?"

I intended it as a compliment, but Hotaru, oblivious to being praised, wore a blank expression.

"Since it's June right now, maybe hydrangeas. Oh, a teru teru bozu might be nice, too."

I envisioned the design for the new earrings in my head. Making something seasonal sounded fun, too.

"A teru teru bozu! That might be cute."

"I was joking... But now I want to try making them. Maybe I'll give it a shot."

I shoved both hands into my hoodie pockets. Catching sight of the tips of my shoes being dirty, I thought, I have to wash those eventually.

"If I wear them every day, will it be sunny forever?"

"If that happened, a lot of people would be in trouble. Farmers, for example. The flowers, grass, and trees would be in trouble, too."

"That's true. I like rainy days, too. When no one is watching, I secretly spin the handle of my umbrella around and around."

I imagined Hotaru secretly spinning her umbrella handle and let out a small chuckle. Hotaru would surely have a cute smile on her face, and the spinning umbrella would look like a large blooming flower.

"I'm bad with rainy days. I get headaches."

"If I were a witch, I would have cured your headaches, Ibuki-chan."

It was funny that Hotaru said it with a completely serious face. I kicked a small pebble at my feet. The pebble rolled tumbling away, passed through the mesh of a grating, and fell into water that rippled like scales.

"When I'm with you, Hotaru, my headaches feel lighter. You're like a witch, Hotaru."

"Really? You think so? If so, I'm glad."

Hotaru tilted her face slightly and narrowed her eyes. Hotaru's smile gave me more peace of mind than those orange-flavored pills.

Hotaru's stride was small. Hotaru trudged along in indigo high-top sneakers, but she didn't advance very fast, so I walked beside her at an even slower pace than during our PE practice. The pure white sunlight was dazzling.

After walking for a while, Hotaru murmured, "I'm tired." We decided to take a break and drink something, but when Hotaru put her hand in her backpack, she went pale.

"What should I do?"

"What's wrong?"

Hotaru covered her mouth with both hands.

"I prepared my water bottle, but I forgot it."

After rustling through my bag over and over, I comforted the dejected Hotaru. "We can just buy drinks from a vending machine."

We started looking for a vending machine, but things like this are notoriously hard to find exactly when you're looking for them. The vending machine we finally found mostly stocked carbonated drinks for some reason. But Hotaru, who likes soda, was happy, so I figured it was fine.

We sat down on an old wooden bench, cooling off in the faint breeze.

I opened the cap of the plastic bottle for Hotaru, who was struggling with it.

"Here you go."

"Thank you."

With sparkling eyes, Hotaru accepted the plastic bottle. Putting her mouth to the rim, she drank the soda, her throat making soft gulping sounds. I also drank the same soda Hotaru had chosen. The light carbonation tingled on my tongue.

"It's delicious."

Pulling away from the bottle, Hotaru floated a smile that looked somehow ticklish.

"Yeah. It is."

My right hand holding the plastic bottle felt chilly and cold. I repeatedly raised and lowered the dirty tip of my shoe. Leaning my back against the rough bench, I started thinking I just didn't want to move from here anymore.

"I'm so happy."

Hotaru spoke in a voice so quiet it seemed like it would be drowned out by the sound of passing cars.

"About what?"

"Drinking soda together with someone important to me... it makes me really happy."

Someone important to me. As I traced Hotaru's words on the inside of my lips, I felt so happy my cheeks grew hot. The soda bubbles popped with a fizzing sound. It's hot. It's hot. If it's this hot, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Not wanting her to know my cheeks were red, I looked down. Hotaru was humming a song. It was Hotaru's favorite song, the one she had taught me the other day. I wanted to gather up Hotaru's singing voice, carried away by the wind, piece by piece, and make it my own personal treasure.

I definitely fell in love. I like this girl so much. Keeping my head down, I felt like I was going to cry. What should I do? I've fallen in love with someone to a frightening degree.

I want to stay by Hotaru's side forever. I don't want anyone else but me to be by Hotaru's side.

A single teardrop fell onto the back of my hand. It was a surprisingly cold tear. Soundlessly, it melted into my skin.

Even though I decided I wouldn't fall in love with anyone. Even though I thought I would never love anyone from now on.

I took a huge gulp of the soda. My throat felt like it was burning. Having chugged about half of it in one go, I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my hoodie.

"Delicious."

I said that, even though I couldn't taste anything at all. Hotaru smiled, "Yeah."

"Let's get going soon," Hotaru said, closing the cap of her plastic bottle. I nodded and stood up.

Trying to head back the way we came, we realized we had walked a rather complicated path to get to that vending machine full of carbonated drinks. We couldn't find our way back to the original route.

Spreading out before us were fields swaying with lush green leaves. An old man and woman wearing sun hats were working, bent over at the waist.

"We didn't pass through a place like this earlier, did we?"

Hotaru said while looking around restlessly. With an anxious face, her voice had grown small like a dying candle flame.

"Yeah, we didn't."

"Are we lost?"

The color steadily drained from Hotaru's face. White butterflies fluttered their wings, dancing around us. In contrast to the anxious Hotaru, I didn't feel that much of a sense of danger.

"For now, let's look at the map. Hotaru, get the map out. I don't have mine."

"Okay."

After rummaging through her bag, Hotaru made a "Huh?" face. With her slender arms, she frantically stirred around the contents of her bag.

"Did you maybe lose it?"

Hotaru nodded repeatedly in silence.

"What should we do?"

Hotaru said with a face so devoid of life she looked like she might collapse at any moment.

"Clumsy Hotaru..."

"I'm sorry, Ibuki-chan."

Hotaru made a face like she was about to burst into tears. Her glass-marble eyes welled up with tears and quivered. A butterfly danced right past the tip of my nose, flying straight toward the fields. There were yellow butterflies in the fields too, and the two of them flew together as if playing. It was a peaceful place. In such a peaceful place, Hotaru looked as if she had been abandoned in an unknown forest.

So she wouldn't break, I gently wrapped my hand around Hotaru's. Her slender fingers, which looked as though they might silently vanish, felt moist and warm to the touch. The beating of my heart echoed through my entire body. What if Hotaru can hear this sound too? I wondered.

"Don't worry."

I smiled. Wishing that Hotaru would feel at ease.

It was the first time I fell in love. Love is sweet and stinging.

Surely, I can't pretend these feelings don't exist. Now that I've noticed them, there might be nothing I can do anymore.

"Thank you."

Still looking like she might cry, Hotaru smiled. Still holding hands, we started walking. Leisurely, and slowly.

We turned a few corners and stopped at a traffic light that took a long time to change colors, but even so, we still couldn't return to the school's designated route. When we called the nurse, she was exasperated. I was the only one who got called an "idiot." The nurse is always strict only with me, and lenient with Hotaru. I don't mind it, but it's not like I don't wish she'd be a little nicer to me.

"What's nearby?" she asked, and I looked around.

"There's a dagashiya nearby." (TL Note: dagashiya is a traditional Japanese shop that sells cheap, bite-sized candies, snacks, and small toys )

The dagashiya with its old red signboard was dim inside, making me feel as though I were looking at scenery captured in a black-and-white photograph.

"I know where you are. Wait there. Work just settled down, so I'm heading over."

"Thank you."

"Good grief, getting lost at your age is embarrassing."

When she said that, I couldn't argue back. It's not like we wanted to get lost, either.

"Sorry."

The nurse unilaterally hung up the phone. Hotaru had been carefully listening to my exchange with the nurse.

"She's coming to pick us up."

I shoved my smartphone, which displayed the words "Call Ended," into my pocket.

"Thank goodness."

Looking relieved, Hotaru stroked her chest in comfort. After that, we went into the dagashiya and bought ice cream. Sitting on a bench, we ate the ice cream while waiting for the nurse. Eating a bit hurriedly, saying, "We'll get yelled at if the nurse catches us."

The nurse, who came to pick us up, laid out complaints against me in the car.

"What were you going to do if something happened to Hotaru?"

The nurse spoke with exasperation, implying that she's the one who would get in trouble, but I felt that the nurse surely cared for Hotaru regardless of her position as a teacher. Because the nurse, when dealing with Hotaru, acts like a caring older sister despite everything she says.

The nurse drove Hotaru home, and then drove me home next. Hotaru's house was a cute house that looked like it belonged in a picture book. Yellow walls and an orange roof. Many flowers bloomed in the spacious yard, and the lush green lawn was neatly trimmed. Transparent stones were laid out along the path leading to the brick entryway. Lights were buried under those stones, and apparently, they glow at night.

Hotaru walked over the colorful bricks and went home. Once it was just the two of us, the nurse turned on the radio at a low volume.

"How was Hotaru today?"

"She seemed to have fun. We talked a lot, and she smiled a bunch."

Hotaru, who is always in the Infirmary. I was happy that Hotaru came outside the Infirmary. Hotaru's voice and smile, bathed in the pure white light of the sun, were incredibly lovely.

"That's good, then."

"Yes. I had fun, too."

I layered my hands on my lap. When I remembered touching Hotaru, the carbonation popping in the back of my throat and its sting almost revived. My chest was still pounding.

The wind blowing in through the fully open window felt pleasant. The afternoon sun dyed the town golden.

"Hotaru always looks happy when you come around. Once it's after school, she suddenly starts fidgeting. She's always talking about you so much, my ears are about to get holes in them."

"Was that a joke just now?"

"Yes, it was."

The nurse made a sullen face. "Sorry for my lack of taste," the nurse said, speeding up the car. Maybe she was embarrassed. Stifling a laugh, I gripped my seatbelt.





Coming home, a wave of exhaustion hit me. I sat on the living room sofa and slept until dinner time. When dinner was ready, my mother gently woke me up while stroking my hair.

Then, the three of us—my mother, my father, and I—ate dinner. After we finished eating, while I was washing the dishes, my father spoke to me.

"Do you want to go see a movie on Saturday?"

I twisted the faucet lever and rinsed my hands. Tiny bubbles slipped from my fingers and vanished.

"What movie?"

My father's hobby is watching movies. At home, he watches DVDs in the living room or shuts himself in his room, which doubles as a study, to listen to music. Old pieces composed by people like Mozart or Debussy, the kind that someone unsmart like me can't tell apart. My father's room and my room are next to each other, and faint piano sounds come through the thin wall. I used to fall asleep using that as a lullaby.

My current father is my mother's third fiancé, making him my third father. It's not like there were any major problems with my previous fathers. Everyone has their flaws, and I liked my previous fathers.

My first father, the one related to me by blood, had a bear-like body and laughed with a loud voice. My second father was a slightly troublesome person with a wandering habit, who would suddenly leave on trips without telling us anything.

I remembered perfectly well. Getting lifted high up by my first father and crying when I hit my head on the ceiling, and playing by lining up the souvenirs my second father bought me on my desk.

Now the bump on my head is completely healed, and the souvenirs that were supposedly lined up in great numbers on my desk have gone somewhere.

To me, a father wasn't a singular, one-of-a-kind existence in the world. The person my mother loved became my father. My mother was a woman of many loves.

I sometimes hated myself for counting my fathers—number one, number two, number three. Because those fathers loved me, calling me their one and only irreplaceable daughter.

My current father is a very gentle person. He recommends interesting movies to me. For my sake, since I dislike cigarette smoke, he properly goes out to the balcony when he smokes.

Three mugs of the same design are lined up in the sink. Pink for my mother, light blue for my father, yellow for me. Every day after dinner, we drink tea from these. Washing these mugs, I sometimes feel anxious.

Is it really okay to buy things like this? Even though I can't stop my mother's romances.

My father showed me the screen of the smartphone in his hand. The screen displayed the timetable for a movie theater near our house.

"It's this movie. I thought it looked interesting."

"Which one?"

What my father pointed to was a poster with a title I had also seen in TV commercials.

The moment I realized that, I forgot to breathe for a second. As if invisible hands covered my ears, sound disappeared, and my cheek twitched.

When I saw the commercial, I thought they looked alike. The lead actor, and that person my mother loved. The person who used to be my teacher.

I still regret that summer day when I peeked at my mother's phone out of a tiny bit of curiosity. I didn't want to know. It would have been better if I had known nothing.

The movie advertisement described it as a heartwarming story of pure love, and I thought it was disgusting. The actor's face on the screen and the teacher's face I used to see in my middle school classroom steadily overlapped.

I hate you. Words with sharp edges roared in my chest. Towards the teacher who had a wife, who showed us pictures of his newborn child and bragged about it. I wanted to tell him I absolutely hated him.

If this light blue mug ever ends up leaving us, I will absolutely never forgive the teacher. Because I loved falling asleep while listening to the beautiful, unnamed music flowing from my father's room.

"Sorry. I might not be interested in that movie."

I twisted the lever to let the water out. Drops of cold water forcefully hit the sink. I picked up a plate.

"I see. Then let's go see something else next time."

My father didn't show a disappointed face, saying it with a smile.

"Yeah."

Why did my mother end up falling for a person like that? Even though my father is such a good person.

After cleaning the next day, the awards ceremony for the long-distance walking tournament was held at school. The top three boys and girls went up on stage and received certificates. Holding their certificates, standing with straight backs in front of the entire student body, the awardees definitely all looked like fast runners.

Hotaru, of course, did not participate in the ceremony. The gymnasium, heated by today's temperature and the body heat of all the students, was warm enough to make you break a light sweat.

When the ceremony ended, we returned to our classrooms. I tightly hugged Yotsuji from behind as they were getting ready to go home. Laughing, "What's wrong?", Yotsuji squeezed my arms between theirs.

"Did you gain a little weight, Yotsuji?"

"Shut up. I didn't gain weight. If anything, I lost weight. The Yotsuji-style diet."

"Doesn't sound like I can expect much effect from it."

"Too bad. The effects are outstanding."

I buried my face in Yotsuji's back. It smelled of floral scents and the sweet-and-sour scent of sweat.

"Did you change your detergent, Yotsuji?"

"You noticed."

Yotsuji laughed heartily. Listening to Yotsuji's laugh, the unpleasant tension drains from my body. A change in Yotsuji's scent is easy to notice. After all, we've always been together.

"Yesterday my dad invited me to a movie."

"Yeah."

"I thought the lead actor, Kitamura, looked like the teacher."

"Yeah."

"So I turned down seeing the movie."

Yotsuji was quiet for a while. Eventually, holding my hand, Yotsuji said, "I see." I pressed my forehead against Yotsuji's back and rubbed it.

Only Yotsuji and I know about the teacher and my mother. Yotsuji listens to my stories seriously and quietly. Even when I first told them about this, Yotsuji just said in a low, calm voice, "They really are troublesome people," and didn't speak ill of them beyond that. That part of Yotsuji puts me at ease.

I stayed perfectly still for a long time, still hugging Yotsuji. I was happy that Yotsuji didn't twitch or move at all. The classroom emptied out, leaving just the two of us. The sound of a trumpet and the shouts of the athletic club kids came drifting through the open window.

"It's hot, Yotsuji."

"Yeah. So hot."

I pulled my body away from Yotsuji. Tucking their hair behind their ear, Yotsuji stared out the window. A large white cloud was slowly drifting by.

"That cloud looks like an elephant."

I pointed to the billowy, swelling white cloud. The large elephant floating in the sky drifted slowly toward the mountains. Yotsuji narrowed their eyes, "You're right."

"Ibuki, are you going to the Infirmary today too?"

"Yeah. I'm going. To see Hotaru."

"I see. Oh, I have one announcement."

Yotsuji spun around to face me. Their bangs fluttered softly in the wind.

"What is it?"

"I've decided to join the handicrafts club."

Yotsuji flashed an innocent smile and made a peace sign. Yotsuji joining the handicrafts club? Even though Yotsuji is usually cautious, they can be abrupt sometimes. After blinking a few times, I made a peace sign back.

"Welcome aboard."

 

After school on Thursday, Yotsuji and I headed to the handicrafts club room for the first time in a while. Someone must have been cleaning it, as the room was in almost the exact same condition as the last time I saw it. Four wooden study desks, like the ones in the classrooms, were pushed together in the center of the room, and that alone filled up this narrow space. An unadorned, bleak room. The white walls were dotted with thumbtack holes.

Originally, the handicrafts club had two other members. They were second-years, and they quit the club right after I joined. When I asked, "Why are you quitting?", the seniors replied, "Because we can do handicrafts at home." I had no response to such a valid point, and in the end, I became the sole member.

I automatically became the president, but silently making accessories all alone in the club room was somehow boring. I quickly stopped going to the club room.

"Please, have a seat. Vice-President Yotsuji."

"Heh heh heh. Don't mind if I do. You have a seat there as well."

With Yotsuji joining, the handicrafts club members became two, including me. Yotsuji was the vice-president, and our activities were just once a week, every Thursday.

We sat in chairs facing each other. Yotsuji looked around the room and laughed, saying, "This room is insanely cramped."

"Apparently it was given to the handicrafts club because it was originally too cramped to be used for anything else."

Even a cramped club room like this was something to be grateful for just being able to use it. The club rooms for other activities were outside the school, and while decently spacious, they were like doghouses—hot in the summer and cold in the winter—causing endless complaints from students. This room has large windows and gets good sunlight. And with so few members, a small room is just right.

I put my bag on the chair next to me and took out an empty cookie tin. Inside were tools like pliers and nippers.

As I started working, Yotsuji peered at my hands.

"A teru teru bozu? It's cute."

"Thanks. I decided to try making one."

I pinched the head of the small teru teru bozu made from light blue cloth. It was stuffed with cotton, giving it a soft, squishy feel.

"It is the rainy season now, after all. Teru teru bozu brings back memories."

Yotsuji rested their chin on their hand, gazing at the teru teru bozu. Its round eyes, made by sewing on black beads, sparkled.

"We made one the day before the school's intramural games. And then, we hung it upside down outside the window."

"Oh yeah. The jump rope games you hated so much, Ibuki."

"It ended up raining that day, but they decided to hold the games in the gym anyway."

The teru teru bozu I made with Yotsuji had swayed, bumping against each other every time the wind blew. Back then, I was desperately serious about getting the games postponed.

"That was hilarious. When the class formed a huddle, your face was so full of despair, Ibuki. Just remembering it makes me laugh."

Yotsuji held their stomach and started laughing. Remembering the games, I involuntarily made a bitter face. Being bad at group jump rope, I kept getting caught in the rope, and every time I did, the people in my class made exasperated faces.

"If I hate something, I hate it. It can't be helped."

"It's really great that high school doesn't have a group jump rope event. Oh, speaking of which, Ibuki, did you actually participate in the long-distance walking event the other day? You weren't there at the start."

Yotsuji asked while tucking hair behind her ear. Unpierced, Yotsuji's earlobe was smooth.

"Yeah. Technically. I started late with Hotaru."

I attached a hook-style fitting to the teru teru bozu. I still had some leftovers from the ones I bought when I made Hotaru's earrings the other day. Feeling the thin but solid texture of the gold parts, I imagined what it would feel like to put this through an earlobe. Passing artificially made metal through my own body. It was an unknown act to me, and just thinking about it evoked a strange sensation, like a cold breeze blowing down my spine.

"You're really close with Hotaru-chan. I've never seen her, though."

"She still hasn't been to the classroom even once, so it can't be helped. Hotaru is a shy, timid, and cute girl."

Talking about Hotaru, I remembered her various expressions. Her joyful smile. Her bashful, blushing face. Her lonely-looking profile.

Yotsuji seemed to take deep interest in my words, looking at me with intensely curious eyes.

"Huh. How cute are we talking?"

At the difficult question, I hesitated.

"White, and small, and fluffy... Cute like a rabbit."

I couldn't describe Hotaru in just one word. Her soft smile, her small shoulders, her neat, tight ankles—I like them all. And it's not just her appearance; there are many things about Hotaru's inner self that I think are wonderful, too.

"I see,"

Yotsuji took a long blink, as if enjoying the imagination of it.

"You're cute too, Yotsuji."

"Eh?"

Yotsuji looked surprised at my words. Knowing Yotsuji, I thought they would laugh and reply, "I know that." Yotsuji's reaction surprised me a little, too. Looking away from me, Yotsuji pressed a hand to their forehead with an awkward expression, and muttered, "Thanks."

"Yeah."

Seeing Yotsuji grow quiet like a deflated balloon, I felt somewhat victorious, but then Yotsuji snapped back to their usual self and scolded me, "Don't give me that smug look!" Even so, my face relaxed into a smile, and Yotsuji, standing up, lightly smacked my head.

From a place not too far from this room, the off-pitch sound of a clarinet could be heard. Following that, the cheerful laughter of girls echoed. The school after hours is lively with the voices and sounds created by students spreading their wings freely, liberated from boring classes.